Put on Your Listening Ears

Dear son and daughter,

Your lives would be so much simpler if you would just listen to your mother from time to time.  When Mommy tells you that you can’t have a cookie until you eat two more bites of dinner…just eat the two bites.  Seriously, you’ve eaten twenty bites of the same dinner for the last hour, what is two more bites? 

When Mom tells you that it is cold outside, and that you should really wear a hat and gloves, take that as an order, not a recommendation.   And if you so choose to ignore sound advice from your mother, please do not whine when your hands get cold.  These ears have had filters installed, I no longer hear whining, no matter what the volume or pitch is.

When Mom tells you to clean up your room and put things away in the proper places, please heed this advice.  If you clean up your room by shoving things into niches and corners, throwing things in the closet or under the bed, certain items may go missing.  If you prefer this way of cleaning over the way your mother asked you to, then don’t ask me where your paint chips are, or where your Borders gift card is.  If you put it in the proper place, you wouldn’t have to ask me.

When Mommy tells you not to stand up in your high chair, I tell you this not to take the fun out of your day, but to safeguard you against head injury.  So if you refuse to listen to the countless “sit down’s” and “you are going to fall’s”, then please don’t cry when you do fall.  I may have no sympathy for you, since with my infinite wisdom, I saw the event take place in my mind before it actually happened.

When Mommy tells you to only use the foot switch once to turn on the Christmas lights, please subscribe to this warning.   If I have to do those lights again because you blew all of the fuses by turning them on and off (Mommy, look at the blinking lights…they’re pretty!), I will make life around this house extremely miserable.  For when Mommy is miserable, the entire house will suffer. 

Just remember, the both of you, that I love you to the extreme, but that you are driving your mother to the brink of insanity.  So unless you want to see me in a jacket with buckles in a padded room only on Sundays, I suggest you start LISTENING.  God gave you two ears and only one mouth for a reason.