Okay. We all know the song. But who really knows what it means? Yeah, the tradition says that it symbolizes beliefs in Christianity. For example, “ten lords a leaping” symbolizes the Ten Commandments. I, however, believe that this song was written most likely by someone who might have had too much rum in their eggnog. Let‘s work backwards from the end of the song.
Twelve Drummers Drumming: The drummers represent overexcited children on Christmas morning waking their parents up at four o’clock in the morning by pouncing on their beds, and maybe inadvertently kneeing their father in the crotch in all the exhilaration.
Eleven Pipers Piping: Pipers? Is there anyone that actually plays the pipe anymore? I would like this to represent the eleven piping hot cinnamon rolls I would like to eat on Christmas morning. Thankfully I’m usually too busy and only have time for a cold muffin.
Ten Lords a Leaping: The leaping of children on Christmas morning into the piles of presents left by a certain someone…Or the leaping of Mommy’s wallet as it hiccups and spews pages of gift receipts.
Nine Ladies Dancing: This represents the hundreds of CEOs dancing in the streets as they get fatter on Christmas dollars. Capitalism at its best.
Eight Maids a Milking: Why is it always the maids that are milking? Why can’t some of those lords stop dancing and help out a little with the chores?
Seven Swans a Swimming: I want to see these swans that can swim in ice. There is ice on the lakes and ponds here, so I’m not sure where they are going to be swimming. Don’t swans migrate during the winter? May have to Google that one, just to see…
Six Geese a Laying: The geese turn into beached whales, laying on the living room floor after the festivities and the feasting. There is so much food that everyone overeats, then falls asleep…maybe it’s the tryptophan in the turkey, or the rum in the eggnog. Or maybe it’s the toxic mushrooms that somehow found their way into the stuffing.
Five Golden Rings: I want to meet this husband who is buying not one, but five gold rings for his wife. And why does one woman need five rings? Does she really need one for each finger? This is extremely overindulgent and I think that husband is either trying to buy off his wife for his yearly indiscretions, or is just trying to shut her up after a year of nagging.
Four Calling Birds: What the hell is a calling bird?
Three French Hens: I’ve heard them are good eatin’. Just don’t shoot ‘em with buck shot, or you may lose a couple of teeth during dinner.
Two Turtle Doves: All I can think of when I picture a turtle dove is a koopa troopa from Super Mario Brothers. Those damn flying turtles always get me when I’m right at the end of a world.
A Partridge in a Pear Tree: Are there partridges where there are pear trees? And can a big, fat partridge actually sit in a pear tree without damaging it? That poor pear tree, the branches are screaming…don’t you hear the agony?
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