Yep…I am a housewife. I prefer the term “domestic engineer” because it sounds like I may get a salary for this type of career, and it sounds more prestigious than “homemaker.” I cook, bake, wash dishes, do laundry, take care of the children, and chauffer. I could add cleaning and ironing to that list, but since I try not to do either very often, I will omit them for the time being. But being a housewife comes with certain woes. You have to deal with illness on a regular basis, both mental (usually your own) and physical (usually the kids). You have to budget time as well as the money. You have to pay bills when all you want to do is buy those leather boots. But the worst woes have to do with the little things that the other members of your family inflict on you. Here are some of the things that I ponder every day.
1. Why does most children’s clothing have to be ironed? Can’t they make these items out of something that doesn’t wrinkle?
2. Why do children and husbands have to take off all of their clothing inside out? Is there some sort of mental block that prevents them from taking off their clothes right-side-out?
3. When the socks go into the dryer, do some of them go into a fourth dimension, or do they disintegrate into the lint trap?
4. Why do ladybugs have to stink up the entire house when you suck them up in the vacuum?
5. Why is the husband “He-Man” for most of the year, but turns into a baby when he gets sick?
6. Why do children and the dog aim for the couch when they have to vomit?
7. How does shaving gel get on the wall?
8. How does toothpaste get on the mirror?
9. Why do I use every pot and pan in the house when I cook a meal?
10. Why do dogs like to rip apart napkins and paper towels?
11. Why can’t children be born with the instinct that makes them put toys away when they are done playing with them? Can we genetically engineer this trait?
12. Can I design a dumbwaiter system in my house so that I don’t have to bring groceries up the stairs?
13. Why does the dog walk directly in front of me when I am trying to answer the phone?
14. Why do telemarketers call at nine o’clock at night?
15. Why do children begin fighting and crying as soon as you pick up the phone to make a call?
16. Why do only eggs and bottles of oil drop and shatter onto the floor? Do they have different gravitational pulls than other items?
17. Why do windows, televisions, appliances, and glossy wood get fingerprints? Can’t someone invent a coating that prevents this particular affliction?
18. Why can’t anyone hang up their coats in the closet when they come in from outside?
19. Why do the children and the husband demand certain food items only after I come back from the supermarket? Do they think that I am psychic?
20. Why can’t I ever find a pen that works when I really need one?
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